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milf
blackswan1983

Should we exchange text message numbers? I care about my girls here on LJ and want to be there for them and would love to broaden friendships. If you are interested please pm me and we can exchange numbers. I don't want to pressure anybody lol.

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(no subject)
milf
blackswan1983

This is what my online therapist says:
This is what my online counselor says: Much of your behavior as I see it revolves around a lack impulse control brought on by a heightened state of anxiety induced by all the abuse and PTSD. If we work together, my goal would be to help you manage and reduce the anxiety and ultimately gain control over the impulses. do you agree?


I was just about to cancel but I think I may stick around a bit cause it seems like he's smart. It's 35 a week. I think I will start with this so I can get my food under control and then go back for emdr.

I would LOVE to get the anxiety under control and stop the impulses! Can you imagine how my life would change if I could just fucking thing straight for an extended period of time?

I know my best thinking comes as dxm wears off in me and that when that happens I'm very calm and clear and normal. I like that period better than the now boring dull repetitive high that I get.


(no subject)
milf
blackswan1983

Mxe crosses time. However for each moment you spend in the land of fire you must spend the same time in ice.

Karmic law

Dxm crosses the body
Everything lost in youth can be recovered, healed and eternalized.
What is the cost? Life lived now.
If you keep the perfect balance, you won't have to pay the tollman kali ma- destruct full mother.
Yes i know destruct full is not a word yet. Eventually you need to create new words, you are a psychonaut, a pioneer.
You must be pure of heart or you will be destroyed and nothing more.

If you want to work with fire you must have the patience to wait inside of the iceberg.
Pass the test of time. Mxe

Pass the test of mortality. Dxm

They are the unknown divine mothers of existence.

Cosmic mystery school.

Have you enrolled in one yet?
Few chose to accept the challenge.

I have decided I am shakti and I devour shivas like fuel.

I am beyond the trap of me and my man. I am I and sister consciousness. I no longer have hopes or expectations of white picket fences or babies connected to one seed leaving my womb. I am cosmic mother now, no longer feeling the desire to create one significant being. I am here for all beings.

I told you, if you chose to be fire you must sit in the land of ice. I am ice cold Antarctic Gaia. I have done years worth of work in a few hours last night. I am wise enough not to try to enter the flames again. I must be moderate and in balance to survive the new levels of game play I have access to. The universe has opened another portal to me. To abuse it would be to burn alive inside like the poor diet pill girl in England this week. Spontaneous internal combustion makes sense to me. I feel like I am full of jet fuel. I love it but will respect it. Time for quiet repose and gallons of water. Land of ice, land of seemingly no time. I wait for the world to catch up.


I fucking hate when people think you are crazy cause you put on a certain character in your writing. I'm a shape shifter don't take it so seriously! Lmao. But I can freak people out just by word play. I have to be careful about stuff like that. That's why it's good I have a journal. So I'm not all serious and intense and insane but I was having fun writing that way for a few moments. Poetic license, kali ma incense, white lightning for justice. Signing off.

I had a fun night last night and now I'm gonna take a shower and get ready for work lol.


(no subject)
milf
blackswan1983

Watch the news on 7/11/15 for something bad with Nicki minaj. If I have the code correct


(no subject)
milf
blackswan1983

I got twelve mins of driveway walking in with Angelica it was nice. She is still walking and I'm on the porch supervising. My sister told her I seem drunk and not to talk to me. She's probably I afraid I will tell her that her mother and grandma touched me! But they did! And no I wouldn't put that on Angelica! God the way my sister views me. She has no real idea , she can't cause she has to warp it all to fit in her own denial and not face whatever has happened to her. Somebody did something to her that taught her to do stuff to me. She lived with the same parents and mothers and has all the symptoms. Angelica also has all the symptoms. Denial denial denial. Whatever recovery is for those who reach out and grab it because they have a survival urge that strong because life is so brilliant and alive inside of them and can't be trapped. I have Sophia's spark of life within me. I've chosen to remember and been chosen to live and heal and help others. I was chosen for this. That's why the universe kept me alive. I'm so defensively defiant tonight because once again my family tries to push me back under the water every time my head pops out and I scream out that I was dying.

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(no subject)
milf
blackswan1983

I gave my sister my LJ sexual assault history page and she barely commented on it. It's marked blackswan 1983. If you google that my journal is the first hit. Maybe she'll find me here and know what I've been living through and finally believe me. She doesn't believe me because she can't she's not strong enough. Today I'm strong enough to tell my sister and risk her reading what I've been up to the last 33 years 11 of them in real time journal format. I'm strong. I'm proud. I'm wise. I ran the gauntlet I dared the labyrinth and I'm on the other side. And when I did 5 meo mipt I realized I had such beautiful visuals cause I earned them because I have been purified by walking through the fire. I saw all the beauty possible the colors and sounds and lights and sparkling and geometry and wow so amazing a beautiful show from the universe that I had access to cause I am clear and free. I am Leigh in the meadow

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(no subject)
milf
blackswan1983

I've had a hell of a day today. A hell of a week. I had a great trip earlier this week, the trip of a lifetime on 5 meo mipt. Which is the cousin of the elusive foxy methoxy I wanted to find years ago. I had true psychedelic visuals of butterflies and flowers and geometry and it was the best trip I've ever had the one I've been searching for my entire life. Beautiful god like visuals.

I had a flare up of the awful ovary/fibroid/gas/shit pain this week and at one point I was on dxm moxy and morphine all at the same time sitting in a recliner at the hospital listening to tori amos and thinking; life's not so bad now is it chum? Lmao!

Morphine is ok but it's not that great not anything I would pursue. I have an opiate prescription that I can't find in town and I've given up on that for the pain and don't even want to pursue it as a drug. Fuck opiates when you have tryptamines.

If everybody could learn about these beautiful non addictive drugs they would never run to the nasty ones. I want to get a collection of powders and crystals in a little labeled accessory hardware box, a little drug collection and that would keep me away from dxm. I only did dxm the other day cause I needed the anesthesia to cope with the pain of the ovary.

I slept for like twenty four hours now. Oh and all of the above mentioned drug collection would be legal drugs.

So the sleep and rest and only eating liquids helped the pain. I put myself through hell cause i thought it was caused by constipation. I tried to give myself an enema with a fucking hemmorhoid oh I cried and shuddered and had the awful butt feeling. I've been eating soup and oatmeal and lots of water for my bowels and gas ex and miralax which was prescribed for me and I just found out does horrible horrible things to your body and kills you.

So all this focus on the bowels and it was the ovary or the massage and stuff on the bowels could have made me inadvertently hurt what was a dormant cyst.

Anyway like I told the fucking doctor I can't live like this. I have an appt on wed to check out the ovary the fibroid tumor in the uterus and all that jazz!

It could be worse I could be Joni Mitchell.

I told my sister today about all the neighborhood people that raped me and about Scott and I went to find my journal entries about Scott raping me the day it happened and they are missing. He obviously got in and erased the evidence. I freaked out about it and emailed and called him and spoke to him he denied it. Nobody else has the means and motive. I gave him all of my passwords at one point and time. I figure he may have freaked because I'm addressing old cases now with authorities I specifically told him I'm seeing the cops about the 30 year old murder. And I guess he did what he was driven to do to protect himself and his son and their future from this crazy justice lady. And I'm ok with that I would have done the same. I never would nor will I pursue anything in court against him we were two sick kids that met each other and had a sick interaction. But I'm upset that that part of my life is just deleted!

I need to go and change all of my passwords. I just gave Colin one of my moan passwords for PayPal. I need to guard myself from what I know is human nature. I would look at people's stuff. I'm not angry cause I would have done the same and his stakes are so high and I'm so impulsive and wild and grandiose and it's within me to have a wild hair and go tell the cops one day about being raped in 2010.

But I finally told my sister everything and that felt so relieving. I told her I didn't tell her cause I was afraid she would kill them all cause they are all alive. She didn't say she wouldn't kill them. She doesn't know where Scott lives. He purposely gave me a wrong address of his neighbors house and tried to look like he was coming out of the other one. Stupid boy Liz is soooooo smart. No wool over these eyes ever they see EVERYTHING and record it like a camera. But I would never ever bring any ill will to him ever.

The good news is I am processing the years of my life that are current. The big search I've been on and the weight and magnitutude of it and how much it has weighed me down. Doing moxy helped me remember the me I used to be before I had the weigh of my journey on my shoulders and I'm ready to be me again and start the next journey which is reclaiming my body and life and health and moving on. I don't need to dig anymore. I can move on now. I've processed up to present times now

I have been keeping a food journal and getting healthy foods again. Might start exercising again tonight if I'm not too weak from the illness. I at least have been doing body work.

My roommate still lives there he is my bitch now. I give him extensions on my terms. He needs to pack all of his shit and show me he's ready to move. His wife wants to take his kid away and is using this in court to show he's not stable. I wrote him a letter saying he can stay there until he finds a suitable place but wrote that this letter of information does not constitute a contract between us. He asked if I wanted his room back I said he can keep it. He only sleeps there really. If he packs all his shit up and I have access to my house I don't mind at all that he lives there and I can use his microwave and table and have his cat and take his rent.

I bought a columnar pad. I'm going to start getting into resale again and slowly and carefully start building and reinvesting a nest egg for me and Colin and our families future. Not gonna start til I get financially literate and in better health after this last derailment. I did an amazing job on eBay. My husband is a very good business man too has been making puddles of money since he was fourteen.

Anyway that's me right now.

What I am so happy bout is that although I had a slight setback with health I didn't fall for at all because I have already put everything in place for myself. I've created safety. And that's fucking awesome and I'm proud

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(no subject)
milf
blackswan1983

Yes and when I got under the pink I felt clear and pretty and feminine. It brought out that repressed side of me that saw myself as Nicole's mom!!!! Omfg!!! I had a cloud dress I wore at the time that I associated with the album and pretty skirts and OMG my femininity came out briefly and then my father turned me into his whore and pedophiles started lining up. How funny! Truly the song cloud on my tongue makes more sense, circles and circles and circles again you're already in there I'll be wearing your tattoo. Omfg my life mirrors the music! Because she was an abused repressed solitary girl too and also because I looked for and noticed signs of her songs in the world to make sense of it. So my brain is structured by tori amos land omfg well it's a nice land but maybe it can be structured by whatever the fuck it was originally supposed to be structured by! Lol no wonder I had my baby at 6:58 the time for having babies in her song. It's embedded. That is my roots. I better go listen to under the pink

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(no subject)
milf
blackswan1983

That's why I wanted to be a choreographer. Nicole's mother was one and we would go to the exercise studio and she would do her routines after she taught aerobics. Omg. No wonder I have dancer issues! Jesus fuck! I wanted to replace Nicole's mom. She got into a bad car accident and it got her all fucked up. We were walking alone in manhattan beach and the guys at fat burger were flirting with us. I was sexually excited. My sister forget her big red wallet (vagina symbol) we went back and got it. I was afraid they were going to make her do something to get her wallet back. We were too young to be alone walking through manhattan beach i felt the guilt of knowing our parents would disapprove but the freedom of the ocean and the waves and salt water. There was a huge cat, Nicole had cats, I have cats now. I have always been afraid I would get into a car accident, it's cause I wanted to be her mom. Her mom is dead of cancer died young, my fear of dying from cancer. Oh god all the hidden symbols and meanings all forgotten for so long! Wind and waves equal freedom to me, beaches. Maybe a bright sunny beach will bring you back back back well let me tell u something about America, hey what's it gonna take til my babies alright pretty good year some things are melting now. I need to listen to tori amos pretty good year which I can play on piano

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milf
blackswan1983

He said they could get the mom to go get sandwiches from the deli sometime and we could do it again. He knows the people there he can call them and tell them to slow her down. But it never happens again and I wonder if it is cause there is something wrong with me is it cause I'm inherently bad, fat, ugly, dirty, stinky, smelly. I would go to Nicole's house and do her chores and stuff and beg her for it to happen again and that's why she did it to me. I asked for it. it's because I was oversexed and abused and their brand of molestation felt nicer, it was an outlet. Wow

Fucking wow
I did not know I had this inside of me. I brought on her threatening me with the iron and kicking me myself and I held it all in.
Omfg
I survived. I cannot believe I survived under the weight of it all. No wonder I'm three hundred fucking pounds lol

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